UNEDITED AND NOT SORRY

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Oh just chillin in my pjs—unshowered, with the remnants of last night's make-up on my unwashed face....wearing my new engagement ring! Is it a re-engagement ring? GAH! I cannot believe it.

Whatever it’s called, it’s my own design (oval cut with simple baguette/stud band) yet selected with love and enthusiasm from my hubs. We both work hard and we both invested in this, yet he surprised me at dinner last night (I had no idea it was ready) and proposed to me all over again. I love that he could barely get the words out as his emotions flowed out of him and into me.

He is my person and I am his...it just took us a long time to find ourselves so that we could find each other.

The ring I had was sooo lovely—I’m going to wear it on my right hand...yet it didn’t represent me living my truth and owning my life. 5 yrs ago I told him not to get me a diamond because I was so worried about how that might look as we were over 40 and marrying for the second time and getting married much more quickly than some people thought was “appropriate“…a handful of people were resistant and made hurtful comments and I internalized them and allowed that to influence the ring that my husband gave me when he proposed.

I look back and I can’t even recognize that person. I have grown so much over the past five years and I’m so proud to say that I would never allow anyone else’s opinion to affect something so important to my husband and me.

I know, one could say that it’s not about the ring...it’s about the commitment. That’s true. Yet if the ring is a reminder of someone hiding from herself and editing herself, it’s OK to upgrade. It’s more than OK. It’s about self-expression and living unapologetically and making the two of us the priority and ignoring anyone commenting from the cheap seats.

The interesting thing, is that when I woke up this morning with this beautiful ring on my finger, although I really thought that I had grown into it and I was so excited to proudly wear it, I found it triggering fears and insecurities that cannot be attributed to the opinions of others. It was my own head trash rearing its ugly head. Again. Old stuff that I was certain I had moved past. The "I don't want to look superficial, I need to edit myself so everyone feels comfy while I secretly long for gorgeous things while knowing I don't really need them to be happy" theme of my life made an appearance as soon as the morning, post-Valentine bliss sunlight hit this chunk of ice on my finger. I mean, this guilt thing and this story of me constantly finding fault in every thought and desire of mine, keeps coming up like a fierce weed. Every time I think I've got it killed, it pops up again. So while I'm planting new flowers of gratitude, confidence and strength every day, I'm also loading up on weed killer. And the weed keeps coming.

I had a clear decision to make.

I could recognize that this was a trigger of an old mindset that I have committed to shedding and thank it for playing and move past it, or I could go down that rabbit hole and bathe in the guilt once again and go back to editing myself while wearing a beautiful ring.

I shifted. QUICKLY. Faster than I can remember. This blog has been about my struggle to shift and I did it. It hit me today so clearly.....all of that work is helping........man, oh man, it's helping. Yet if I secretly give that weed permission to live, no amount of flowers nor RoundUp will touch it. So with a whisper as bold as a super hero's strength, I said, "No more. You don't get to live here any longer. Find a new home. My God is so much bigger than you and I am bigger than you. These thoughts are your thorns and your poison and I've unknowingly been your accomplice. Until today. Goodbye."

I kicked it in the face and moved on. As a powerful, joyful and free woman. Unedited, unapologetic and with the angels smiling and high-giving me. I’m certain Jesus said “Finally. Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinally. You go girl. Rock that ring.”

So where are you in the continuous game of hide-n-seek? Where are you hiding and where are you seeking.. what are you seeking....whom...and what are you hiding....hiding from? Shift, sweet girl. Shift. If it takes ten thousand times to finally hear and speak that bold whisper, then celebrate 9,999 attempts. Then come tell me when you've done it. And be proud of the entire story, because it's your path to peace.

Jill Herman